


An Unfortunate Series in Which Enrico Maxwell Suffers....A lot

by Sapphirewyren



Category: Hellsing
Genre: Anime, Crystal Tokyo Era, Hellsing Organization, Manga, naruto - Freeform, tokyo ghoul - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-19
Updated: 2017-09-28
Packaged: 2018-08-16 01:19:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 6,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8081095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sapphirewyren/pseuds/Sapphirewyren
Summary: Just a bunch of ficlets, in which Enrico Maxwell suffers physical abuse at the hands of our favorite vampire stompin, cigar chompin Hellsing Leader, Integra Hellsing





	1. Confessions

Confessions  
A Hellsing fanfic  
Sapphirewyren  
A/U: Ten years after Millennium’s attack on London  
Author’s note: I do not own Hellsing, but I do love making sure Enrico goes through as much physical abuse at the hands of Integra XD  
Enrico Maxwell hated confession duty. Sitting in a small box waiting for someone to come and confess their sins. The worst part was actually listening to the parishioners as they prattled off a list of their ‘sins’, their identity protected by a screen divider. But Enrico could tell who was who, by their voices. So it made no difference to him. It was just boring…. the door is opening, time to pretend to be the loving priest that cared about this poor sod’s soul.  
“Forgive me Father, for I am about to sin.”  
Wait…. what? Why did that voice sound so familiar? That accent…was that cigar smoke???  
Suddenly two gloved hands broke through the screen, grabbing Enrico’s neck and pulling him right through screen. His stunned face was merely a couple of inches from the very pissed face of Integra Hellsing’s.  
“Do not think for a minute that I did not hear the disgusting flatulence noises you were making every time I spoke at today’s meeting, Maxwell!” she practically snarled. Before Enrico could respond however, Integra had him in a headlock and was soundly beating his face in. After a couple of minutes of facial abuse, Enrico was finally released, but not before Integra decided to put out her cigar on his cheek. She lit another cigar. “Remember this the next time you have problems with your gas, you pissant.”


	2. Hats Off to You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maxwell really likes Integra's hat

Hats Off to You  
Sapphirewyren  
A/U: This takes place after the Valentine brothers attack on the Hellsing mansion. You know the meeting Integra had with Enrico Maxwell? Here’s what really happened at the end of it.

The meeting seemed to be going well. So far there were only mild barbs and neither Integra or Enrico were screaming their heads off. Walter sighed a breath of relief. Maybe for once there won’t be any physical violence. Just then the door was thrown open and a very pissed looking Integra stormed out. Oh dear….  
“Sir, is everything alright?”  
“Quite alright” Integra said through gritted teeth.  
As they were leaving the museum, Walter noticed something missing.  
“Sir Integra….. where is your hat?”  
Integra smirked; “Maxwell liked it so much so I let him keep it.”  
Back in the meeting room, Enrico was knocked out on the floor, with a certain hat shoved into his mouth.


	3. Of Brass Knuckles and Cigars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's gonna be a knockout!!!

Of Brass knuckles and cigars  
A Hellsing FanFic  
Sapphirewyren  
Author’s Note: I do not own Hellsing; I wish I did  
A/U: Takes place whenever

“Why do you smoke cigars?”  
“Because I want to.”  
“Bah! That is a lie. Do you smoke them because it reminds you of being daddy’s little girl?”  
“What do you know about being daddy’s little girl? From what I understand, your parents abandoned you.” Integra blew a puff of cigar smoke in Enrico’s reddening face.  
“DON’T YOU DARE SPEAK ABOUT MY PARENTS!! IT’S NOT MY FAULT YOU SUCK CIGARS LIKE YOU SUCK….” WHAM!  
Enrico was flat on his back.  
“Walter! We are leaving, the little swine has pissed me off.”  
Father Renaldo sighed as he watched the Hellsing commander leave.  
“Maxwell, when will you learn to behave yourself around that woman?”  
No response from Enrico because he was too busy swallowing his teeth.


	4. Just for kicks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enrico and Integra meets with the Queen, what can go wrong?

Just for Kicks  
Hellsing FanFic  
Sapphirewyren

Author’s Note: I do not own Hellsing  
A/U: This takes place whenever

Oh for the love of all that’s holy! The Queen of England had called the leaders of both Iscariot and Hellsing to reestablish boundaries and jurisdictions. And while the Queen was speaking, that bloody Enrico was kicking Integra under the table. The first kick caught her by surprise and she sent an icy glare in Enrico’s direction. That glare alone should have warned him to stop. But the man was a big child and kicked again and again, and again. It was beginning to hurt. So Integra leaned forward, grabbed the idiot’s head and slammed his face on the table-hard. The loud sound that came with Enrico’s head being bounced off the table like a basketball scared the Queen. However, Integra gave the Monarch her most innocent look. “Please, continue what you were saying, Your Majesty.”


	5. Cannoli Problem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Integra desecrates a holy Mass to give Enrico something very special. Very funny

Cannoli Problem  
A Hellsing FanFic  
Sapphirewyren

Author’s Note: I do not own Hellsing or cannoli XD  
Enrico Maxwell loved doing Masses. He loved how the whole congregation looked up at him in reverence as if he was a god, he relished …..  
“MAAAAAXXXXXWEEEEEELLLLLL!!!!!”  
Oh no. Enrico looked up to where the doors of the cathedral had been literally slammed off their hinges and saw the Hellsing leader, looking none too happy. In fact, she looked violent.  
“You think you can have 200 boxes of cannoli delivered to my residence?!!”  
“Sir Hellsing, you are interrupting a very holy Mass.”  
“Fuck your bloody Mass!”  
The congregation gasped. Meanwhile Enrico tried not to giggle at what Integra’s face must have looked like when she saw the boxes of cannoli.  
“Perhaps you ordered them by mistake.”  
“I DON’T LIKE CANNOLI, YOU WAFER SWALLOWING PIG!”  
Integra stormed towards the altar. Enrico tried to move, when she pulled out a pistol and pointed it at him. More gasps from the congregation.  
“You want to act childish? I’ll give you childish!!”  
Please God let her take off her shirt and make monkey noises. “Let’s be reasonable” begged Enrico. However, Integra was in no mood for reasonable. When she got to the altar, she punched him in the stomach causing him to double over the altar. Then she hiked up Enrico’s priest garments. “She’s going to give me a spanking!” thought Enrico. Yeah, you wish. Then Enrico felt a gloved hand reach into the waist of his pants, grab his underwear and gave a sharp pull. He had never felt pain this extreme and he bellowed in agony. Integra gave another rough tug on his underwear and Enrico, this time screamed. The audience winced as the bishop’s screamed was magnified by the microphone he was wearing.  
“Had enough, you papist?” growled Integra.  
“Y-yes.” Whimpered Enrico.  
“Too bad, I’m not done, yet”  
“P-p-please!!! Stop! I’m sorry I sent those cannoli to your house!!!”  
Integra gave Enrico’s underwear yet another harsh pull, while Enrico gave another shriek. The audience could only watch in horror as their Mass celebrant’s balls and underwear began to reach his head. To add insult to injury, Integra took out a bag with the accursed pastry and shoved it into Enrico’s mouth. Tears were now falling from Enrico’s eyes.  
“Now, I’m done.”  
Integra went over to the presider’s chair, sat in it and took out a cigar to enjoy, while watching Enrico try and adjust himself.  
“Remember that pain the next time, you decide to pull a foolish prank like that, Maxwell.”

 

Author’s Note: The ‘presiders chair’ is the chair that the priest sits in some parts of the Mass. No one else can sit in that chair. Except badass Integra.


	6. Wine, Swine and Valentine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Valentines day and hate is in the air.

Wine, Swine and Valentine

A Hellsing FanFic Sapphirewyren Author’s note: I do not own Hellsing

One part of the Mass that Enrico found disgusting was the fact that a whole bunch of strangers lined up to drink cheap wine off of the same cup. It may be the Blood of Christ, but it was still disgusting. Thanks goodness he had his own personal chalice for Mass. The next person up stepped up to take a sip and Enrico nearly dropped the cup.

***Flashback to the Valentines’ Day before Sunday***

Walter walked into Integra’s office holding a small read envelope. “This is addressed to you, sir.”

“Who is it from?”

“It doesn’t say. There is also no return address.”

“Open the letter, Seras.”

“Uuuummmm okay.” In the envelope there was a card with a cartoon pig on it holding a big red heart. Seras gushed “It’s so cute!!” Integra who didn’t even bother to look up from her computer said coolly “What does it say?” When Seras read the small poem she turned red. “It says:

_Roses are red_

_Violets are blue_

_I’m glad you ain’t mine_

_You Protestant swine_

There was complete silence in the office. For a minute no one said a word. Walter and Seras’ faces were one of complete shock, while Integra’s showed mild annoyance. “It looks like I had better find a suit for Sunday Mass” as she walked out the office. Walter held out a box of chocolates to Sera, “I completely forgot about these”.

***Fast forward to Sunday Mass***

“I got your cute little card, Maxwell”

“I have no idea what you are talking about!” Integra took the cup of wine that Enrico was holding and spilled it contents over his head. Then she took the card from her pocket and shoved it roughly into Enrico’s mouth, lastly she gave him a solid punch to the stomach for good measure. And as she was leaving, she said “Seras says thanks for the chocolates.”


	7. Swirlies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Integra in the mens room

Swirlies

A Hellsing FanFic

Sapphirewyren

Author’s Note: I do not own Hellsing

Enrico breathed a sigh of relief and he buckled his pants and walked out of the bathroom stall. When you gotta go, you gotta go. He chuckled at his little joke. Enrico looked into the mirror to check out his hair, when he saw another reflection in the mirror besides his own.

“Sir Integra! What are you doing here?”

“Because of your idiotic prank phones calls tying up my line, I missed an important call from the Queen, you sad excuse for a priest!”

“You accuse me of the strangest things”

“Really? So you don’t remember this?”

Integra took out a recorder and pressed play.

_Enrico: Hello? Hellsing is your refrigerator running?_

_Integra: The hell?_

_Enrico: Yes? Then you better go catch it! Hahahahaha!_

_Integra: That’s the fourth time, Maxwell!!! Stop calling me!!_

Integra pressed pause on the recorder and Enrico tried to look innocent.

“That could have been anyone”

“You’re the only ass with that ridiculous accent!!!”

Integra grabbed Enrico by his ponytail and pushed him into the stall that he had previously occupied.

“Hey! This is the men’s room!”

“Then it’s a good thing, I’m dressed like one, isn’t it?”

Integra then kicked Enrico’s legs from out under him. Then she grabbed his head and dunked it into the toilet bowl.

Enrico screamed (or more or less gurgled) as his head was raised and dunked repeatedly into the toilet. He tried not to swallow the tepid water, but it was hard not to because he had to breath. Meanwhile Enrico’s screams and gurgles could be heard outside of the bathroom, where several priests listened in with curiosity, but mostly fear. Back in the bathroom, Enrico was now begging for Integra to stop trying to drown him in the toilet, when her iphone rang.

“Hellsing speaking. Good day Your Majesty”

_Enrico’s muffled shouting._

“That noise? Nothing, nothing at all.”

_More gurgling and shouting._

“It really is nothing, just something very unimportant and insignificant, nothing for you to worry about.”

**At Buckingham Palace**

“I was calling to set up a meeting with you Sir Hellsing for this Friday at 6pm….is that splashing I hear?...that’s Walter?, well tell him to splash more quietly. I shall see you then.”

**Back at the Vatican.**

Integra pulled Enrico’s head out of the toilet. “Well you are very lucky the Queen decided to call back.” To this Enrico could only whimper as Integra left the stall to wash her hands. As she opened the door, a bunch of priests and even the pope nearly fell on top of her. They tried to look like they weren’t listening. The group of priests parted like the Red Sea to let Integra pass because no one really wanted to mess with a woman that killed vampires and gave bishops swirlies.

“She tried to drown me!!!!” shrieked Enrico.

Father Renaldo just sighed.


	8. It Started with a Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Integra and Enrico celebrate Christmas in a strange way

It Started with a Kiss

A Hellsing Fanfic

Sapphirewyren

**Author’s Note: I do not own Hellsing**

**I was trying to think of a Halloween fanfic since the holiday is coming up, but I came up with this instead. I hope you enjoy.**

How she got here, she will never know. She thought she hid that damn invitation, next time she would burn it, that way Walter would not pester her into coming to such an event. When she was 16 this might have been a dream come true, but now, it was like a nightmare that she could not wake up from. And the gown! How the hell did Walter know her size; that creepy butler. But here she was at the Queen’s Christmas gala in a gown and glaring at any man that looked in her direction. At least the eggnog had alcohol in it.

“My, Integra don’t you look lovely tonight” came the greasy voice of one Enrico Maxwell.

“Go away, Maxwell or I’ll rip your balls out through your mouth.”

“You finally look like a lady, yet act so boorish.”

“What part of my promise did you not understand, you dirty Papist?”

“You wouldn’t start a scene here would you?”

“If I get the pleasure of ramming my heel through your eyes, then yes I would.”

“So violent tonight. But I am here to fulfill tradition.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

Maxwell pointed up and there above them to Integra’s horror was mistletoe. Was there no God in heaven tonight?

“I believe it is customary to kiss.”

“I’m NOT kissing you, Maxwell”

“I understand that being a virgin, you have never kissed anyone before, but I will guide your tongue.”

“What is wrong with you? If you think I’m going to kiss, you’re more stupid than that ponytail you wear.”

“I can understand if you are afraid….”

“I’m not afraid, I’m repulsed.”

Maxwell puckered his lips and started making kissing noises, with his eyes closed. Sooner or later someone was going to see this. “Why me of all people?” thought Integra. Maxwell started leaning towards her. Just as Integra was going to pop him a good one, she felt something rub up on her leg. Looking down she saw one of Her Majesty’s corgis and thought up an evil plan. Picking up the corgi, Integra held it out towards Maxwell. The corgi began to lick Maxwell’s mouth. Maxwell, thinking that it was Integra’s tongue started licking back. After several minutes of tongue wrestling the dog, Maxwell, with his eyes still closed said “I didn’t know you were a such good kisser, Integra.” In a most seductive voice Integra replied “Well, I do have a good teacher.” This excited Maxwell and he said “Ooooohh give me more of that sugar.”

“If you insist.”

And Maxwell and the dog proceeded to do more battle of the tongues, while Integra tried not to puke and laugh at the same time. A couple minutes later and a voice called out “Hey! Maxwell why are you Frenching that dog??!!”  The bishop’s eyes popped open. “Arf!” said the corgi. While Maxwell had a look of abject humiliation and disgust on his face, Integra wore a smug smirk on hers. As Integra walked off she said to him: “Merry Christmas, you dirty papist.”


	9. Snow Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Join Hellsing for a snowball fight!

Snow Day

A Hellsing FanFic

Sapphirewyren

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

**Author’s note: We are back for another painful beat down for Enrico, guys!** **J**

 

            Winters were brutal in England and this one was no different. While everyone else were being, stupid and freezing their asses off playing in the snow, Integra was sitting in her warm office, drinking a hot cup of Peppermint tea and ignoring the mountainous amount of paper work on her desk. Suddenly the door of her office burst open and in stormed one dirty papist, Enrico Maxwell. The bishop was carrying a large bucket filled with pre-made snowballs. This was something the Hellsing director did not need. She made a mental note to fire all the security guards. Enrico picked out one snowball and hurled it; “Prepare to die, heretic whore!” Integra would have dived under her desk for cover, if the snowball didn’t land three feet in front of her desk.

“Dammit! Let me try again. Prepare to suffer the icy wrath of God, Protestant Sow!” Enrico threw another snowball, and again it fell short of its target. The crazed bishop was determined and threw a third snowball and failed again.

“Would you like me to throw the snowball at myself?” Integra asked in a bored voice.

“NO! You WILL feel my icy wrath!”

“I thought it was God’s icy wrath.”

“That too!”

By his eight feeble attempt, Enrico was pissed and out of breath. It was so pitiful, that Integra almost felt sorry for the Italian – almost.

“Why don’t I help you throw a snowball at me?” Enrico gave Integra a suspicious look; “Why would you do that?”

“You’re getting my floor wet and wouldn’t you like to wipe this stupid smirk off my face?” Enrico rubbed his chin, she was up to something, but that look of superiority really ticked him off. And he would give anything to wipe it off her face. “Ok, what do I do?” Integra rose from her chair; “First you sit here and try and look like a haughty English bitch with a stick up her ass.”

Enrico pouted and stuck out his lower lip; “Like this?”

“Bitchier”

The bishop stuck his nose in the air; “Is this better?” Integra tried not to laugh; “That’ll have to do.” The commander reached into the bucket and covered up the ashtray that she had slipped from the desk in snow. It was then that Enrico had a sense of foreboding and like one nearing death, whose life flashes before their eyes, his teeth flashed before his. Integra hurled the snow-covered ashtray at the bishop’s face breaking his nose and teeth. Enrico fell to the floor clutching his shattered face and cursing loudly; “You bith! You wuined ma faceth” (You bitch! You ruined my face!) Enrico’s face looked like a murder scene.

“Now you know how to throw a snowball, you degenerate warthog.”

Walter ran into the office upon hearing the ruckus; “Sir, are you alright?” Integra nodded and pointed to the bleeding bishop; “I am fine, but this pig is getting his filthy blood on my floor.” As the butler helped Enrico out of the office, Integra heard him comment about how unhappy the Pope will be. She called out after him; “The Pope is more than welcome to have a chat, I’ll gladly show him how a snowball is thrown.”

 

Chapter End

**Don’t you just love the snow?**


	10. Locker Blues

Locker Blues

A Hellsing FanFic

Sapphirewyren

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

 

The sun high in the cloudless blue sky of the vast city of Rome. At noon, there was barely any traffic in the streets. But Enrico Maxwell didn’t care about that. He had been asked by the principal of St. Stephen’s School to give a speech about young people today and spirituality. As he looked down at the students from the podium on the stage, he relished in the enraptured gazes the young teens were giving him. As Enrico was about to continue, the sound of the Angry Birds theme resounded through the auditorium. Angered, Enrico looked around to see who was being so rude. The person sat in the front row, hunched over a smart phone, and long legs stretched out in front of them, so if someone had to pass, they would be forced to step over the pair of legs. Maxwell had requested that all the students wear something that had the school’s logo on it. The rude person wore a navy blue and black suit, with no visible logo.

“Excuse me, turn off your phone this minute! I am speaking!”  The person paid Enrico no attention and kept playing Angry Birds. This angered Enrico; who was used to being obeyed; even more. “I SAID TURN OFF YOUR PHONE! I AM SPEAKING!”  This got the person’s attention and the bishop found himself looking in the intense glacial glare of Integra Hellsing.

“What are you doing here?!”

“Apparently playing Angry Birds, while you spew complete shit into these poor children’s heads.”

“How did you get in here?!”

“I took a jet from London to this cesspool you call a country, where Father Renaldo was kind enough to tell me you would be here preaching hypocritical nonsense.”

“I meant in THIS building!!”

“Oh, that. Security sucks.”

“Why are you here? Can’t you see I’m in the middle of a speech?”

“You have been sending me the ridiculous emails. Links to God knows what, but I’m guessing porn sites, which has me wondering why a bishop would know such things.” The teachers and students gasped.

“How do you know it’s me? It could…..”

“I TRACKED YOUR IP ADDRESS, YOU ASS!”

Integra stormed onto the stage, grabbed Enrico by his ponytail and slammed his head on the podium. She shoved her phone in his face and said “You must have nothing better to do, if you can send me HUNDREDS of idiotic emails a day.”

“Anderson must have been using my computer!”

“The big oaf doesn’t even know what a computer is! He spends all his time with children!” Integra smacked Enrico’s head against the podium again.

“You are the only shit head to send me a link that reads “Iwantdick dot com”!

Again, the audience gasped and the principal shook his head, embarrassed that he had a pervert speaking to his students. The various links and notes that Enrico included porn sites, dating sites, sites to online shops that sold sex toys, call girl sites, rent boy sites, sites for sugar daddies, animal mating sites, and notes the read stuff like “If you are reading this right now, you are a Protestant Whore”. Integra had the common sense not to open any email sent by Enrico, but after a while, when they begin to fill up your inbox it gets extremely annoying. And right now, an extremely annoyed Hellsing Commander was dragging Enrico by his dumb ponytail out of the auditorium and into the school hallway. Some of the students and teachers followed the two, obviously out of amused curiosity. They watched Enrico’s head get bounced off the lockers, then cringed as Integra sent a hard, swift knee to the bishop’s groin and laughed as she shoved him into an empty locker and slapped a big combination lock on it, essentially trapping him in there.

“Let me out!!” howled Enrico.

“No, you damn perverted Papist! And no more freaking emails or I’ll shove a stick of dynamite up your ass and see how high you can fly!”

“YOU CAN’T LEAVE ME IN HERE!! THE POPE WILL HEAR OF THIS!!”

But Integra had already left. Enrico was finally released two days later.

 

**Author’s Note: I have no clue if the site Iwantdick.com is a real site. I made that up. If you wanna check you can go ahead (perverts). Hope you enjoyed.**


	11. Happy Birthday Integra

Happy Birthday Integra

A Hellsing FanFic

Sapphirewyren

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

Enrico had decided that a nice drive around Rome would be a good idea. Now as he was getting his face bashed into the hood of his car, he knew he should have just stayed in bed. The person doing the bashing of the bishop’s face was none other than Integra Hellsing. And she was infuriated by the little birthday ‘gift’ he had sent her.

**Flashback….**

As Integra was playing a game called ‘how much paper work I can burn and get away with’, Walter and two men wheeling a huge crate on a dolly entered her office. Integra, not happy that her game was being disturbed asked; “Walter, what is the meaning of this?”

“Apparently, someone sent a birthday gift for you, Sir.”

“Since when do I celebrate my birthday?”

One of the delivery men said; “We were told to open it up.” And that’s what they did using crowbars. Inside the box was a huge cake….

“Dear God, don’t tell me…..” muttered Walter.

Inside the cake, popped out a stripper…who was a tranny. The stripper then proceeded to sing “Happy Birthday”- badly and with an Italian accent. After he was finished, he told the commander; “This is the part, where I give you a lap dance, Baby.”

Pulling out her pistol and pointing it at the stripper, Integra snarled; “Take one step towards me and I will shoot you.” She then left the office muttering something about a certain bishop.

“So, what do we do now?” asked one of the movers.

Walter shrugged.

**Present time.**

No amount of apologizing or begging placated the angry knight and she repeatedly banged Enrico’s head against the car.

“The really stupid part is, it wasn’t even my birthday, you Catholic ass!”

“I’m sorry! Stop ruining my face!”

“I’m going to ruin a lot more than your face!” Integra took out a sharp knife, seeing this Enrico became very afraid. “You can’t kill me!”

“No, I’m not going to kill you, I’m going to do a lot worse.” With this Integra cut off Enrico’s ponytail and a couple more inches in various places for good measure. She then gave his eye a solid punch and released him. While he stared in the car’s side mirrors in shock at his new haircut, Father Renaldo asked Integra as she walked away; “What did you do with the stripper?”

“I told him to go play with Alucard.”

 

Chapter End

**Author’s Note: Anyone knows why Renaldo asked about the stripper? And now I know why Integra don’t cut her hair. Hope you enjoyed, see you in the next chapter!**


	12. Arm Wrestling Smackdown

Arm Wrestling Smackdown

A Hellsing FanFic

Sapphirewyren

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing**

**Author’s Note: It’s that time again…for Enrico to suffer! Enjoy**

Enrico did not enjoy the physical beatings that he was taking at the hands of one Integra Hellsing, even if Anderson and Father Renaldo said it was his fault in the first place. And they pointed that everything.

“Why would you send her a tranny stripper for her birthday?” asked Anderson.

“Or an innumerable amount of boxes of cannoli” added Father Renaldo.

“And why would you try to kiss her?”

“Or that ridiculous Valentine’s day card?”

“OK! OK! I GET IT!” shouted Maxwell.

“You do understand, you’re the one who start these incidents, right?” explained Father Renaldo.

“Well she should learn to curb her anger.”

“How about you curb your immaturity.?”

“I must find some way to get back at the woman.”

Both Anderson and Father Renaldo sighed, obviously, the bishop was not paying attention. He would not stop until he had beaten Integra and both priests knew that would be never because Maxwell never stopped to think, he just rushed ahead.

“I got it! Something that I can beat that sow in!”

“Let’s pray it’s not chess” said Anderson.

“Come on, we are going to England!”

“Lord have mercy” sighed Father Renaldo.

 

Walter walked into Integra’s office; “Sir, Bishop Enrico Maxwell is here to see you.”

“Tell him to go piss off” said Integra dryly. Enrico, Father Renaldo and Anderson entered the office. “That is no way to treat an esteemed guest, Hellsing!” shouted Maxwell. This earned him an ashtray to the forehead; “Would you stop screaming? Are you deaf or something?”

“Anderson, you could have caught that, now I’m bleeding!”

“Stop blubbering you bloody baby, you’ll just need a couple of stitches. Now why are you here and be quick about it.”

“I’m challenging you to an arm wrestling contest!”

Everyone in the office was quiet for a minute until Walter asked; “Are you sure? I mean that is…”

“What? She’s a woman! I can beat her!”

“That’s kind of sexist” said Anderson who surprised himself by defending Hellsing.

“Let him do as he please, if he arm wrestles the way he throws then I won’t have to use my whole arm” sneered Integra.

“We will meet here” said Maxwell as he handed Integra a piece of paper. Father Renaldo groaned; “Great, in public where he can humiliate himself.”

“Wrong! I will humiliate the great Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing!”

Integra rolled her eyes, why was this man an idiot? Several hours Integra found herself inside of a bar called the Drunken Wench, which the commander found to be stupid and oddly appropriate name. Inside the bar was filled with the lowest form of people, which made Integra glad that Alucard wanted to see the arm wrestling match. Seras, Pip and Walter also tagged along. When Maxwell arrived it was all show and fanfare kinda like Apollo Creed versus Ivan Drago, only with the colors of Italy. Seras giggled at this, while Integra and Walter looked stoic, Pip and Alucard laughed hysterically. Father Renaldo and Anderson opted for trying to blend in with the crowd.

“Drunks and fools, give me your attention! I will be arm wrestling this woman, Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing and I will….”

“If she’s a ‘sir’, what are you? A ‘ma’am’? yelled one the customers. Everyone laughed at this, while Enrico scowled; “I’m not done talking! Whoever loses must kiss “Gross Stewart”!

“Gross Stewart” was a grossly obese, sweaty man who either didn’t know what a toothbrush was or never owned one. So bad breath hung around him like white on rice. It didn’t help that his teeth were crooked and jacked up and his lips were chapped. Also Gross Stewart never really acquainted himself with a shower or soap. Integra took one look at him and said; “Oh hell no! We did NOT agree on that!”

“There is no backing out now, Hellsing!”

“Fine I hope you practiced kissing, papist.”

One of the bartenders stepped forward as referee; “Ok wrestlers clasp hands! Your elbows are not allowed to leave the table, first to pin their opponent for a three count wins. The loser….well the loser knows what they have to do.” Gross Stewart grinned a wet, yellow toothed grin.

Integra sneered; “Pucker up, Papist”

“It will be you, who will be puckering, Protestant sow.”

You know how you do something and in the middle of it regret it? Well that’s how Enrico was feeling right now. No matter how hard he pushed, he couldn’t get Integra’s arm to budge. It was sad really, the way Enrico strained and struggled; “What the heck are you on Hellsing, steroids?”

“If you want, I can use my left hand.”

At first everyone watched with anticipation, but as the minutes ticked by, it got boring. Enrico might as well have been arm wrestling a house and so the patrons went about their own business.

“Sir, you have a meeting in 45 minutes” said Walter. “Perhaps you should end this.”

“NO!” shouted Maxwell. “I can beat her.”

“Face it, there is no way you can win, Maxwell” laughed Pip. “I always Italians were wimpy.”

“Well there goes his manhood” chuckled Alucard. Anderson and Renaldo just shook their heads. It had been thirty-five minutes and no progress had been made.

“I’m down to my last cigar, after I’m done with this one, I’m breaking your arm, Maxwell” said Integra with the deadly calm of a viper about to strike. This threat made Enrico struggle even more in vain. When the cigar was finally finished, Integra smashed Enrico’s hand right through the wooden table. The bartender didn’t even bother to count to three, it was obvious who won. On hearing the table being shattered everyone in the bar looked in the direction of the man on the floor clutching his broken arm.

“That’s what you get for underestimating me because I’m a woman, you sexist piece of crap” snarled Integra.

“I am NEVER arm wrestling her” whispered Anderson to himself.

“Looks like yet another trip to the hospital” sighed Renaldo.

As the knight left the bar, she called back; “By the way Stewart, Maxwell likes it really wet, with a LOT of tongue.”

Chapter end


	13. Bottoms Up

Bottoms Up

A Hellsing Fanfic

Sapphirewyren

 

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing.**

Enrico Maxwell hated being humiliated and Integra had humiliated him on many different occasions. Anderson and Father Renaldo believed that he was the one who started the altercations, but what did they know? He was merely trying to put that heretical sow in her place. And as he took a sip of wine, Enrico came up with a perfect way to show Integra a thing or two. A couple days later he was in England and making his way towards Hellsing’s office, with Father Renaldo and Anderson following him, wearing exasperated expressions on their faces. As Maxwell threw open the office doors, a bullet whizzed just mere inches from his face.

“What the hell is wrong with you, sow!?” bellowed the bishop. The question was answered with another bullet, this time nearly grazing the inside of his thigh. “I could ask the same thing of you, filthy papist.”

“I am here to teach you a lesson.”

“You can save your lessons for your altar boys.”

All the priests’ mouths fell open, how dare she imply such an impure thing. Enrico decided to ignore that slight and declared; “We are going to have a drinking contest, the loser must do whatever the winner says.”

“So you came here to get your ass kicked in another idiotic competition? Didn't the broken arm and kissing some fat slob teach you anything?”

“Yes, it taught me that you are a very manly woman.”

“Well someone has to wear the pants in this ‘relationship’.”

Anderson burst out laughing.

“That's not funny, Anderson!” shrieked the red faced bishop. “Let's get this over with!”

“I don't think this is a good idea” said Renaldo. But Enrico wouldn't listen as he had Anderson open one of the large cases of bourbon, he had bought with him. Somehow Walter, Alucard, Pip and Seras caught wind of this competition and were in the office to watch and comment.

“This is going to be fun” said Alucard “I’ve always wanted to see what my master looks like drunk.”

“I believe that this is a terrible idea” said Walter, Seras also agreed but there was no turning back.

“The first to pass out or throw up loses” said Enrico.

“If you throw up on my desk, you will be reading The Bible in bloody Braille” growled Integra.

The first shots were poured and both contestants downed them in a couple seconds. “Don't you have something stronger?” asked Integra.

“We can't have you losing so quickly” replied Enrico.

The first several rounds went well, but Enrico was not known to be a drinker of bourbon and soon it began to show. Enrico started seeing double and his words were slurred. But he willed himself to keep going. He had to win at all costs! A couple of drinks and Enrico could barely lift his head off the table. Looking across at his opponent, there was no change in her at all. Integra didn't even look tipsy! What was with that woman? Maybe she was cheating somehow, that could be the only explanation. “You’re… you're not… even…” Enrico couldn’t even finish his sentence and Integra just threw back another shot.

“You’re looking kind of sick, Maxwell” sneered Integra. “Perhaps you should quit this little competition of yours.”

“I think you should listen to her” said Anderson.

“No!... I can beat her.”

Integra chuckled; “I'm giving you a chance to leave with what little dignity you have left.”

“I don't need your pity, Protestant wench!”

“Please Maxwell…” pleaded Father Renaldo. He knew this would not end well for the bishop. Integra just shrugged her shoulders, took an unopened of bourbon, opened it and drank the entire thing. Everyone in the office stared at the director in awe.

“Whoa, I never knew a woman to drink like that” said Pip.

“She drinks like an Irishman” said Anderson. Alucard could only laugh, while Walter muttered; “Just like her father.” Seras was glad that she never developed a taste for alcoholic drinks; she didn't know how anyone could drink that stuff. Integra slid another bottle towards Enrico; “Your turn, Catholic swine.” Enrico grabbed the bottle, but after several gulps, he fell backwards out of his chair in a drunken blackout. Even as he slipped into unconsciousness, Enrico knew that he had lost again. A few days later, Enrico had to face whatever cruel punishment Integra had for him and boy was it was it a doozy. Enrico had to wear a white mid drift shirt that said ‘I like it Rough’. There was also a blue mini skirt, a neon pink leopard print thong and red high heel shoes. Seras helped him with the male up, if you can call it that. It was done in an exaggerated amount and made him look like a two dollar whore in a five dollar bar.

“I look ridiculous! This is humiliation!” shouted Enrico.

“You have to wear that for an entire month” smirked Integra while the rest of the occupants in the office howled with laughter. To make it worse, Enrico had to wear it everywhere, everyday. Let's just say the Pope was not comfortable with how Enrico ‘liked it’. And the next meeting with the Queen did not go well as the elderly monarch was not impressed and Integra could not stop laughing. Father Renaldo and Anderson sighed, when will Enrico ever learn?

 

Chapter End


End file.
